[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?
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Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
your honor my client chooses dare
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”