[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?
You Might Also Like
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
When you’re here for the treats.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Godspeed, John Glenn
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
