Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
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The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Boom, boom, ching!
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.