*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
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Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
*eating catfish*
This looks nothing like it did on the menu
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
AWWWW 😍
This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
For those that worship cheese..
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”