I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
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There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Is your wife single?
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”