Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review

Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.

Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.

Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you

Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”

Thought “alright musical theatre queen”

Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x

“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”

if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away

[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh

Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?

7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten

Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “

My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship

So I said I wanted a divorce

*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.

Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝

My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.

The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.

A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.

[at the pearly gates]

I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.

eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us

*loses you in a crowd*

finally

HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals

Not with that attitude

Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.

Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.

What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?

“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon

Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.

“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”

[CRIME SCENE]

COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!

PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*

i think both sides are to blame here

Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off