Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Security are trying to arrest a man who stole some binoculars from Duty Free. The problem is he can see them coming a mile away

No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep

[furniture store]

Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.

I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.

It didn’t make it.

Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women

I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.

*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.

You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you

EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head

Love this one 😂🧟

scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien

My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.

Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it

2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you

Me, handing out Halloween candy

I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.

My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms

ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.

QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?

I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house

I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.

GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.

In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength

The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.

My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.

Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!

Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.