Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.

{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie

{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.

i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”

Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.

“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym

I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.

help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me

I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.

Her: How old is he?

Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….

If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.

[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*

Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.

law suits: quality garments for lawyers

{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.

*after sex

No, you cannot sleep over.

Husband:

I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me

Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”

I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.

I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.

Both hands Mommy!

-my 4yo the backseat driver.

{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}

WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.

ME: A Boba Fete.

HER: You’re not invited.

I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.

I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes

Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart

Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute

*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*

The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.

I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors

Single and childfree like Jesus