Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years

ME: I can’t speak that slowly

“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.

Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.

Think I left the oven on, better turn around

-me, leading a wagon train

I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.

Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.

Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.

I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?

Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?

My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.

The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.

Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.

Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie

Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

“eat what’s in season” the health people said

Me:

Pilgrim: What the hell is that?

Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.

– The first green bean casserole.

[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]

Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”

Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”

Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

“No”

Cop: *points* Your buck naked

[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”

[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want

her: i’ll have the lobster

waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster

Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.

[commercial for IKEA]

Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?

I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it

It took me three decades to become an overnight success.

Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.

Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.