Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
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Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
me working on my assignments ^-^
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
What do you hear?
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling