EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
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sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES
Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!
“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*