Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣

using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism

“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”

—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.

Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!

Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier

Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.

ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and

“What?”
– Jude

I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.

Based Erika

Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette

I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.

The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.

Always…

Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.

Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.

You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.

I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it

A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV

I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.

DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?

I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..

i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum

Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon

Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?

Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.

Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?

Boss: haha oh goodness no

The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.

Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”

My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.

So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend

I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.

Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.