Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes

Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.

Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.

If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job

Willy Wonka:

Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here

Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?

If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.

I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.

Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.

4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?

Me:

4: Mom???

Me: What the f-

4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?

Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!

Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please

Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99

Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free

I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.

Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?

I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard

“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch

“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?

I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume

ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?

HER: give me back my baby

[mall food court]

Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no

hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.

My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”

It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”

“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.

Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.

What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with