Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives

I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.

INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]

If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.

I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.

Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.

Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.

avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day

My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.

Douche.

[mothers day]

Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.

Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.

ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!

METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?

me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?

My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.

Actual air attendant:

“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”

From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.

I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.

I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.

A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili

Nice try Hitler

The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.

I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.

GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no

Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!

Guy walking in on me in the bathroom

Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.

I sexually identify as a hand grenade

A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.

After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.

Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.

My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.