Expect the unexporcupine.
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Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd