Expect the unexporcupine.
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RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon