Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place

how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday

unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.

Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count

9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁

Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.

My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me

This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.

Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..

INTERLOCKED FINGERS?

send bail money!

According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.

Yes

demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato

Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands

The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate

I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.

(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit

I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.

Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?

Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–

Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.

me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.

[office]

JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha

{later}

HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie

JERRY: Bessie?

HR: In accounting

JERRY: Uh…

HR: The dairy cow

JERRY: Oh right, Bessie

HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-

JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going

I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now

Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.

Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.

[first day as a ninja]

me: *sneaking in*

him: I’ve been expecting you

me: how

him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day

My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:

“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”

someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me

Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!

Me: *changes the WiFi password*

‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people

My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.