Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
you could not pay me to delete this app
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
