Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Cheers Twitter.
