Expected my family to chew me out this morning bc I ate all our cans of Who Hash last night but luckily we were also robbed by the Grinch last night so I blamed him for taking the Who Hash and my stupid Who family totally bought it LET’S GOOOO 🗣️🗣️🗣️
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order
it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no
Do you think people who play for the philharmonic say “today I woke up and chose violins” because if they don’t they totally should
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
