Expected my family to chew me out this morning bc I ate all our cans of Who Hash last night but luckily we were also robbed by the Grinch last night so I blamed him for taking the Who Hash and my stupid Who family totally bought it LET’S GOOOO 🗣️🗣️🗣️
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
