Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.

Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.

What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?

*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*

18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days

WebMD: you have all the diseases

Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them

Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from women

Post-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon

I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.

My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.

Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.

*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.

Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office

Satan: yeah, welcome to hell

Me: well, I guess it could be worse

Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie

My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park

Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.

Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.

Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.

“Can I borrow your charger?”

Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*

“I meant for my iPhone.”

Me: Oh, hell no.

Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest

I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”

Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”

Me, dating.

Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.

Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?

*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend

Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.

I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.

When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.

perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors

In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.

Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.

When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”