Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.

The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.

Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.

My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.

Self-cleaning conscience

I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.

I love counterfeiting stuff

[therapy]

me: I’m really trying to change

therapist: that’s great

me: I want to be become a different person

therapist: how

me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis

therapist: no

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora

Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.

I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”

Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier

Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it

[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-L

Me: *your

Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E

Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.

“To each their own”

Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.

me: *finds new bruise*

brain: press it

Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists

Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.

My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.

At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”

4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.

The Sun’s probably Asian.

they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean

If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.

How?

The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.

Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.

Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.

We were frantic.

Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.

I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today