Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
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WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, itâs easier.
*gets text from Mom* Itâs your mother. Call me.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
ME: Iâve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgustiâ
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
đ
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
âHow about⌠we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Teacher: define âimpossibleâ
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what âskepticismâ is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and âagnosticismâ?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Me: Well, Iâm off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: Youâre a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Letâs get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who wonât stop screaming at us.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.