Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.

Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.

aura

doctor: do you use recreational drugs?

me: no

doctor: you don’t have to lie to me

me: yeah i know, but i like to

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

Alien: Take me to your leader.

Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…

My blood type is coffee.

Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.

I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?

If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.

I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.

Still laughing at this stupid meme

[hs reunion]

JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.

[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]

You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.

Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.

I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?

My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.

Haha good job!!

my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it

Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.

5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?

embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)

Body: ok sleepy time.

Brain: ok thinky time.

This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.

Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.