Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*

[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer

me: you misspelled school

8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word

me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far

What does a robot do during a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts

make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.

me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there

Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–

me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich

I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.

Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀

Me: where do you want to eat?

My gf, a moth: idc you decide

[arranges a candlelit dinner]

Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake

I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.

My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.

*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*

The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.

“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.

DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!

[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”

me: I’m unable to stop making jokes

doctor: you can’t be serious

me: that’s right

wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car

[at the office]

Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.

Me: When did it arrive?

Secretary: 1983.

Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.

two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glof

no more questions

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.

“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”

*unbuttons pants*

“Not anymore!”

It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.

“Kids, are you asleep?”

Kids:

*turns off the wifi*

MUUUUUUUUUUM

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die

Dad: Want a donut?

Me: YES!

Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.

Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.

oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.

-my mirror