“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
You Might Also Like
Always this one for me forever
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Natural selection at its finest
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?
Me: I don’t like your tone
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Name another movie that mislead you?
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case