[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
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We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
💀🤣
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…
me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
I don’t care how you season it, ham radios definitely taste more like radio than they do ham
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
