[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
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[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂
me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”