Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl

The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.

(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.

i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE

Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way

This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller

[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.

I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.

me: hey have you seen my keys?

patient I just operated on: no

me: go like this *wiggles*

ME: *playing the piano*

WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh

ME: Why thank you, honey

{three days later}

ME: Wait a second

If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]

*Slams suitcase shut*

Me: Case closed.

Judge: Stop doing that.

Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.

Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.

My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.

It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.

I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.

The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.

Me: Do the dishes.

10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.

Me: Do the dishes all week.

When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose

me: can you empty the dishwasher please

9: what? What do you mean?

me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?

*returns tent to Target*

CASHIER: What was the problem?

ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent

a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping

You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.

Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter

[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.

I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.

I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.

Not sure if whoever designed parking garages is an architectural genius or sadist