experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
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DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Brands during Pride
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.