Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*

“how’s everything tasting folks”

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?

surgeon: this man has a broken leg

horse surgeon intern: oh no

surgeon: which we can easily fix

horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?

I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.

becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer

gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.

Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.

My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.

My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.

Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.

Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.

Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”

Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?

Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.

Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now

The Universe: hold my beer

I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”

Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn’t have the guts!

Happy Halloween 🎃

I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”

After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.

Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.

The doctor asked if I was sexual active.

I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.

Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!

Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.

lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?

me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency

As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.

I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19

me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”

My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again

Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.

Universe: Humble her.

3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!

Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.

3: *realizes growing up was a trap*