*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
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I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
The French word for sex is croissant.