*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
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#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
The cops knocked on my door and said, we’re looking for a burglar with one eye.
I said, wouldn’t it be better if you used both eyes.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”