I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
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*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
early stone age tool
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Erm I’m gonna say no
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*