[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.
Good news
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Last night someone was sharing how their great grandpa passed away and when they said “he was shot through the heart” it took every brain cell i have not to say “and you’re to blame”
“We will wed,” I threatened
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!
Me in December: Son of a b****
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
