[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Spring of Deception
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
