Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
date: I’m a really big people person
frankenstein: omg, same
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
sliding into dms like
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
