Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
