Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
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The answer is funnier than the question
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.