Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.

Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.

Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant

Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax

me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you

I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.

“Hey, smell this.”

-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.

He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go

Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.

– Alien Vs Creditor.

getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point

*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed

If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!

A Match(.com), but for socks.

I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.

Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”

Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”

*wall breaks down*

Superman: “OMG really??”

Batman: “No.”

Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?

Me: holy shit how bad is it?!

The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.

If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.

My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair

therapist: describe this picture

me: that’s my father yelling at me

therapist: and this one

me: you having sex with my wife

therapist: and this one

me: aren’t these normally ink blots

currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart

Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best

there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord

“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”

~police asking for help in my disappearance

If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.

Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button

He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan