Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
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[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
the answer was staring at me all along
Short story
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”