Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
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How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
As a retiree, I have two pairs of pajamas. Bedtime and daytime. Sometimes I get them confused.
