Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle

I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat

Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is

so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised

that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi

Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit

For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.

Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.

Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.

This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.

My kid: You know what I’m thinking??

Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?

Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?

Me: You bought me a ski jacket

Her: Skiing is a sport!

Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.

I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.

Oldest kid: [Sick]

Youngest kid: [Sick]

Wife and me: [Staring each other down]

Wife: [Sneezes]

Me: Hahaha there can only be one-

Wife: [Sneezes on me]

Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?

This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like

visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing

They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…

that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.

No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook

“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.

fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians

Everyone is always doing laundry

*changes name to laundry

son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?

dad: sure, I’ll join you.

son: should we watch them back to back?

dad: no side by side probably works better.

the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)

[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on

I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand

For when Tinder doesn’t work

ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?

HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that