“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
You Might Also Like
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
I’m already scared
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate