Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

do you like my signals
I mixed them myself

Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.

Partner: One of us?

Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.

Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥

Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl

Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.

“We’d love to hear your feedback about our site!”

I don’t think you will….

Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.

On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.

WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.

*3 years later*

Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.

“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.

I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”

WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.

MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.

I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious

[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands

If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign

Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day

I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”

The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.

If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.

It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.

i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying

The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-

Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.

True?

When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.