Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
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Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what