Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

Suuuuure

You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.

It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.

After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.

Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.

[Fortnite with 9]

9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?

Me: Sure, why?

9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.

Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR

How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?

Me: You mean like the band?

[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you

If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain

How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?

Me looking at your eyebrows

Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”

Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”

WWE is French for “yes”

Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!

Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!

I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.

Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions

[text from wife]
I want a divorce

Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!

[…typing]
Haha, April fools

Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?

Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to

7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?

Me: Sure, bud.

7yo: So when I die, will I come back?

Me: Now I see why you have a headache.

[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?

Me: Yeah

*bird screaching*

Girl: I said condom not condor

Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.

Girl:

Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?

[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”

My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”

Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”

I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.

Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*

[repeat ad infinitum]