Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
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Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.