Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
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“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
I got a call the other day from my daughter asking if I could keep her kids over the long weekend so I said that would be fine
I don’t have a daughter, so some poor bastard is getting stuck with kids this weekend that he’s not ready for