Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
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Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Natural selection at its finest
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…
ME: whoa you guys serve here?
DOCTOR:…of tests.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
turning my gender off to conserve energy