Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
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Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)