Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?

best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!

I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.

Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.

Friend: What’s it like having kids?

Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*

Death: your time has come.

Me: no! not now!

Death: yes now.

Me: but… I have to poop?

Death: ……damn it. Go on then.

Me: wow that actually worked.

My toddler: *nods sagely*

As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.

Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.

To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running

this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen

Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra

The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.

Funny women are smart. Be careful.

Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait

They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person

Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe

replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty

Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH

All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon

Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.

i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile

Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.

When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up

I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers

Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.

Who knew.

ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything

I don’t call myself pesky for nothing

Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold