Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
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john wicks are toilet candles
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
My 7yo said she was a vegetarian & asked for a salad but then complained she wanted chicken on it but “NOT TOO MUCH chicken” because she’s a vegetarian but then she ate the chicken too fast so she’d “actually like more chicken” but “only on salads because I’M A VEGETARIAN.”
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?