Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”

~ It’s all about the empathy.

Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.

Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏

Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.

Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*

(hours before leaving on a road trip)

You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.

tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽‍♀️

COP: Know why I stopped you?

“Drag racing?”

COP: Nope.

“Speeding?”

COP: Definitely not.

“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”

COP: That’s the one.

Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.

Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.

“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”

Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.

I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.

Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor

Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol

My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.

Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room

Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?

All day: I’m so tired I could cry

12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now

11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.

Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.

11: Never mind.

I apologise if I offended you.

And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.

I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.

I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.

Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.

I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.

juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count

The company hates when I helicopter into work.

It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”