Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.

duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?

Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?

Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill

I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.

[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah

My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.

If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.

Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour

Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.

Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.

Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible

Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank

“Awww. There there.”

*pats you on the face. Hard

GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?

Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?

who called it a toilet and not an IP address

What do you call it when one banana eats another?

Cannibananabalism.

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.

If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.

when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so

[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]

GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry

ME: It’s fine, go on

GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later

Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.

free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side

i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making

I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.

Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.

I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.

If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?

After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard