Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
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Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
When your diet is finally over.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.