Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
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him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
friend saw this guy on the apps lol
