Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
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I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.