Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I already tried new things thanks.

girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears

There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.

Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u

Some early signs you’re growing up:

1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere

My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.

I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.

Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat

I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.

u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home

Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”

English: i before e, except after c.

Science: Ummmm, No.

The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.

William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.

To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks

“Can you cook dinner tonight?”

Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light

Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…

It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.

How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people

Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off

i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.

I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.

MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?

ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther

MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away

ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie

I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.

When someone says you are so lazy

last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway

next year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner

My 3 moods:

1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit

what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself

My next door neighbor invited me to a party at his place, but he’s creepy, so I didn’t go. The next day when he asked why I didn’t show up, I couldn’t think of an excuse, so I said I couldn’t find parking. He just nodded and said “Next time, take a Uber.”

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

Me: So what do you do?

Date: I work with animals

Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun