Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is enough internet for the day.

[bed]

ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me

ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe

Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Me: A BIKINI BODY

T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?

Just after I finish this beer.

#math

[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE

You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.

I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.

GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]

[text from wife]
I want a divorce

Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!

[…typing]
Haha, April fools

I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon

A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.

Like, uh… talk?

I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.

I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.

Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*

Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?

Date: no I meant

Me: but the left lung only has two!

Date: not like th— wait, really?

A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.

I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.

her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?

me: it’s the little things that count

Risking my life for fun.

Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds

Me: I was refilling my vape

Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that

There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.

do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats

Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it

If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”

Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?

I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years

GOD: I call them Water Buffalo

ANGEL: But they live on land

GOD: Yep

ANGEL:

GOD:

ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u

GOD: Not a bit

[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE

March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.

November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.

me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing

*unwraps Babybel*