Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
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Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Tuesday
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out