Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
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I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Ion see the issue
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU