Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
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My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please