Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.

If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?

genie: what is your first wish

me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice

genie: [kermit the frog voice] why

For all the people who doubted me:
You were right

Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?

3 year old: I’m thirsty

WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.

ME: Ok, I will.

[later that day]

ME: I quit

BOSS: WHAT??

ME: I said, nice squid

[first date]

Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole

Her: I know how juice boxes work

Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?

Me: I’m terrible at fractions

Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day

95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.

19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.

Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.

My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.

GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish

Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket

I’m trying to eat healthily but there’s still so much cheese in the fridge. And it’s illegal to throw cheese away. Not sure what to do.

I guess I’m going to have to eat the cheese.

Yes. I am now actively eating the cheese.

Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.

“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday

*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*

I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.

It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.

Onion rings.

I pick up the onion. “Hello?”

I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.

“No, babe. It’s an onion.”

Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party

I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.

Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.

I hate what you’ve done with the place.

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”

Me: “Say no more”

[Monday]

Boss: “Where’s my report?”

Me: “Shhh”

I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.

INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me