Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
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Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
weddings should have a worst man
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?