Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.

Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total

damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place

The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself

learning about math 🧐 📝

[House hunters]

Pigs: we’d really love a brick house

Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?

*In the back of an ambulance

Me: Change the radio station

Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy

Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song

I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear

I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes

*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?

why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me

Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.

Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”

My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”

Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

Them: You have a weird sense of style

Me: *takes off glasses* Rude

Them: But true

Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example

It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story

mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.

I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.

Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.

i choose….tongue

Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?

Me: my student loans

Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?

When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days

I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.

DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight

When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.

Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.