Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
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Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Stop being racist to kettles.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.