Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
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🎵 I can’t wait to
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
liiiiiiiiike
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
hmm conte-me mais
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you