Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
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[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
In my experience, it’s better to make other people suffer for your art.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Please be aware that while my posts are largely based on true events, some have had squirrels added for dramatic purposes.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?