Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
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My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie