Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: how was your camping trip

5 y/o: good

me: what’d you guys do

5 y/o: camped

Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.

Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!

[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”

[blind date]

HER: I am so against vaccines

ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio

Hot Girl: Hey, u single?

Me: I am.

HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?

in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.

I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.

So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10

I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women

I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.

There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.

when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids

Wedding planning is organized crime.

She said “stay up, imma call you”.

i’ve been awake for 4 days

The Jaws theme stays on during sex.

*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.

Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?

Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.

My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!

~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.

This is my emotional support yacht 🎀

Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!

Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.

Me: Because of all the sugar?

D: No, because of all the champagne.

[loud crashes]

Me: What was that?

4-year-old: Nothing.

Me:

4:

Me: OK.

Parenting is easier than it looks.