Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*

Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe

Zoo employee 1: oh no

Zoo employee 2: oh no

Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no

I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.

If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.

it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.

[dinner]

WIFE: This risotto is rich

ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”

WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?

ME: …

WIFE: …

ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’

I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.

“You saw nothing.”

-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash

Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.

Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!

Me: *Posing nude for the first time*

Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh

*pokes sex life with a stick

My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.

Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.

Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.

[First Date]

*staring up at the stars

Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”

Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”

*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops

To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.

Me: Say that word I like

Him: Pajamas?

Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.

People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out

Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.

Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…

I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.

Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation

NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money

Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.

Label: Non-habit forming

Me: Challenge accepted

I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.

Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind

We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.