Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”

CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight

The 3 types of Christmas movies:

1. Movies about Santa.

2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.

3. Die Hard

wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion

[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection

I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz

My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.

this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead

[first day as a doctor]

patient: how bad is it

me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope

[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]

the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal

omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face

A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type

And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended

Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.

Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.

Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Ffs

Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”

Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.

A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.

i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.

I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.

Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”

Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]

A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”

We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners

Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one