Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.
I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”
The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
